Hindidk
“ Bua-ji, ” she said, slowly, carefully, owning every mistake before it could own her. “ Meri Hindi perfect nahi hai. Mujhe lagta hai kabhi kabhi ki main kuch bhi nahi jaanti. Lekin main seekh rahi hoon. Aur aaj, itna kaafi hai. ”
She was standing in a Banarasi silk lehenga that weighed more than her self-esteem, holding a paper plate of gol gappe that was actively trying to betray her by dripping tamarind water onto her borrowed jhumkas. Her mother, Nalini, had just dragged her across the lawn to meet “Bua-ji from Kanpur” — a tiny, formidable woman with a kohl-rimmed glare that could strip paint.
“ Aap Hindi mein interview dena chahenge ya English mein? ” Meera asked. (Would you like to give the interview in Hindi or English?)
“Bhai same. Mera Hindi itna bekar hai ki mujhe English mein likhna padta hai ki mera Hindi bekar hai.” hindidk
“ Main… samajhti hoon ki… ” she began. (I understand that…)
She was not ready.
Riya wanted to sink into the floor. She thought of Kabir’s word: hindidk . She thought of her grandmother’s voice. She thought of every time she had smiled and nodded and felt like a fraud. “ Bua-ji, ” she said, slowly, carefully, owning
“ Beta, Hindi aati hai na? ” Bua-ji asked, her voice sweet as poison.
“ …bahut kuch hai. ” (There is a lot.)
It lived in the throats of second-generation immigrants, in the autocorrect fails of WhatsApp forwards from Mummy-ji , in the comments sections of Indian YouTube videos where someone always writes “ Can someone translate pls? ” It was the language of the almost . Lekin main seekh rahi hoon
“ Hindi mein, ” she said, because she was an idiot and a romantic and she wanted to prove something.
Riya froze. Her brain did the familiar scramble: translate, respond, fail. She knew aati hai meant “does it come?” She knew Hindi meant Hindi. But the question was a trap. If she said yes, she’d be expected to discuss family politics in rapid-fire Awadhi. If she said no, she’d be the coconut—brown on the outside, white on the inside—the diaspora’s favorite shame.
She didn’t understand. She understood nothing.